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I am 5’4″ and 104 pounds. For years, I have been told, “You are so lucky, you are so skinny!” What folks don’t see, is the small tube coming out by my belly button that allows me to do peritoneal dialysis, three times a day, for 12-18 hours a day. The tube that allows me to fill my abdomen with 2 Liters of solution, because my kidneys failed and I need a transplant. Yeah, so “lucky” to be so skinny. I would gladly take anyone’s unwanted 30 pounds, if it meant I had working body parts!!!!
As full figured woman living in a world where they promote only one size isn’t easy. However with a lot of women now embracing who they are and the love for their bodies tings are changing in a positive direction. And I’m HAPPY!! Since i was in High School I considered myself a plus size girl, I embraced my size and wasn’t afraid to show it off. Following in my adult I’m still plus size and never felt better. I am who i was born to look like and I wouldn’t change that for anyone.
Since I was 14 I been shaped different. I was taller than all the girls in my class, and then also wider. People used to tell me I was fat and sloppy. My parents made me wear bigger clothes to hide myself. Now I’m out of that box and realized that I’m just a beautiful “big” girl and now I have a little sister in the same position and I just want her to love herself and be healthy.
There was a time where I wanted to look just like all of the girls at my school who were much smaller than I am because they had all of the attention from the guys. I would always think I was too fat to get a boyfriend or to get boys to look at me. I’ve been called every insulting fat joke that you could think of. It was even harder when I had low self-esteem. I would go home and cry, cry, and CRY! Because I wasn’t happy with the way I looked in the mirror. I am now 23 and in my mind I think i have the best body ever. My confidence level and higher than it has ever been in my entire life. I had to realize that I am Beautiful. I am Strong. I am Motivated. I could care less about what anyone has to say about me now. It was a learning process for me and I achieved it.
Since I was a kid, my description was the “Pretty, but Fat Girl”. People have called my thunder thighs and told me that people my size aren’t supposed to wear “sexy” clothes. I’ve hid my body from the world for so long, and I’m tired of it . I earned this body . I’ve eaten good food, nutritious food; I’ve ran miles and miles, my skin has changed from sand color to caramel . My stretch marks cover my entire body and tell a story of a girl who was made fun of . And now I’m ready to just be me . My body is beautiful. My body helps me survive each day. My body has been through twenty-one glorious years. My body is one semester away from a double major bachelor’s degree. My body had laughed and loved and cried and healed . I’m ready to love my body . For all that it is and all that it will be.
I always struggled to see myself as beautiful. I was told my face was pretty but it never went past that. Having hypothyroidism caused by Hoshimotos has made major changes on my body and my weight often fluctuates, it’s made it that much harder to love on myself but then I’m reminded of my mind and heart and see how beautiful that is. I see how every curve of my body is gorgous and is worthy of love. That all of me is worthy of affection, and that is not limited to other people. I love my body. It allows me to run and adventure and by grace get up every morning.